What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 16:30
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
What's a memory from your childhood that shaped who you are today?
All the time i was locked up.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We all went to grammer schools
What is it that gives a man who is a submissive cock sucker his most pleasure?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Comes on , in middle age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
What pleasure do guys get by sucking female breasts?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I have BPD. Why do I destroy everyone I love?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Do you think cheating is that bad?
When she asked me how she looked .
I said to her
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She married twice! .
Why do I get stressed when I go to bed?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was seconnd youngest,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One cannot live in the past .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I write beautiful poetry .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
When does a man tell a woman he has feelings for her?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was very sick at this time too.
She loved him until the end.
Have you ever seen your wife being fucked?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
How far back into your childhood can your remember and what is your favorite memory of that time?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I couldn’t, believe it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We were not on the streets..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But it wasn’t much.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She wouldn,t have been !
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He resisted the act ,that day.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It was going to be , some day.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She found it foreign!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Put me off passion for life!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So, i spoilt her more .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Ive learnt so much.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
What did i know ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My family never makes their pension either.
I think the readers, may guess!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Would this be the day?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I will be 64.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was 9 years of age.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
This is soul school!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But, we were locked up after school.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He knew the spot.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was dying to do it , i knew.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was in good health!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I have no regrets .
Im still living with it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I don,t even have a pension.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was scared of men, in general
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Who then, do I blame.?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So whats the point in blame.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I could never make a relationship work though!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I waited trembling.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My life is so biszare .
And i lived it daily.
But ive been too sick for many years..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!